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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26550835">Find Me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinkie/pseuds/sinkie'>sinkie</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stray Kids (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(but not in its ordinary sense), Agoraphobia, Heavy Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, mermaid au</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 08:14:39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,386</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26550835</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinkie/pseuds/sinkie</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The beach was foggy. Only the seashore wasn't completely obscured by it. The tides were way to calm. Everything was quiet and sleepy, but then there was a loud splash of water, and the next moment Minho saw a merman. It smiled, calling him by his name. The creature wanted Minho to approach it, so he did. Minho felt relaxed.</p><p>And suddenly the merman screamed, its face wincing in pain, the fog disappearing to show the raging sea.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bang Chan/Lee Minho | Lee Know</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>READ !!!!!!!!!!!</p><p>Agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder characterized by symptoms of anxiety in situations where the person perceives their environment to be unsafe with no easy way to escape. These situations can include open spaces, public transit, shopping centers, or simply being outside their home.</p><p>Some people have a panic disorder in addition to agoraphobia. Panic disorder is a type of anxiety disorder in which you experience sudden attacks of extreme fear that reach a peak within a few minutes and trigger intense physical symptoms (panic attacks). You might think that you're totally losing control, having a heart attack or even dying.</p><p>(yeah, i copied it from the internet)</p><p>the whole fic is a huge trigger warning, so read it at your own risk, i guess<br/>but if you will, hope you'll enjoy it (aha...)</p><p>i also suggest listening to daughter - shallows, as i listened to it a lot while writing this fic, so the atmospheres are quite similar</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The sea was calming down right after the storm, its tides becoming more and more serene with each passing moment. There was a peculiar smell in the air, indicating that the heavy rain had just passed. The streets covered in puddles were still empty, but people already started opening their windows to let the nature’s tranquility in their homes.</p><p>Minho crawled out from under the table where he had been hiding that entire time. Storms, accompanied by the heaviest thundering, left the boy breathless, the oppressive sense of fear creeping down his spine every time he heard the loud peals.</p><p>He got up on his shaky legs, feeling disoriented. A nervous breakdown had gotten him in the aft of the work process. He had hurriedly turned his laptop off, when the storm had started, so now it was probably a good idea to get back to the program Minho’s client had paid him to write, there was a deadline after all.</p><p>In a few hours Minho felt like all his limbs fell asleep, as it was difficult to even move. He tried to get up to look out of the window. Parents had promised to come today, so he had to be ready. Minho gazed at the wall clock, ruffling his brown messy locks: it was nearing eight in the evening. They could arrive at any moment. Minho approached the front door carefully, eyeing the numerous locks, his hand firmly gripping the keys. He unlocked all the latches, hecks and shutters as quickly as possible and rushed up the stairs toward the bedroom, locking the door behind him. Minho looked out of the window to notice his parents’ car being parked next to the house. He twitched convulsively, falling onto the bed and starting to listen in on what was happening downstairs.</p><p>Minho heard his parents open the door, the clicking sound followed by their calm mumbles. Then there was a rustling of the packages and plastic bags. Minho heard gentle steps on the floor, tensing up when they got louder, but, luckily to him, nobody ventured to enter his room.</p><p>In a few minutes they left as quietly as they had arrived. Minho went down the stairs only after making sure his parents drove away. The boy stepped into the kitchen, looking into the bags from the supermarket his mum and dad had brought him. Minho still felt guilty for making his parents come here several times a week, supplying him with food, medication, household chemicals and so forth. But at least he made his own money by writing programs, creating antiviruses and making websites (something he could do without leaving the house). Also, Minho was perfectly capable of cooking, cleaning the apartment and paying the bills promptly, so that kind of routine was just fine for him.</p><p>The therapist he was seeing online kept encouraging him to at least go out to the porch, describing what Minho missed, locking himself up in the house like that, but leaving it was just too much, too overwhelming to even consider doing it. Minho got anxious even in his own bedroom, so what would happen if he was on the street? It was a risky and an insanely terrifying idea to him, hence he had been locked up for three years already.</p><p>Sometimes Minho felt uncharacteristically brave and invincible during his hypomanias. He would approach the front door, compulsively open all the locks on it, put his hand on the handle, being quite ready to finally leave, but even short euphoric states weren’t enough to overcome his phobia. Minho would just lock himself back quickly, run up the stairs and fall on the bed, breathing hard, his heart rate becoming insane.</p><p>After one of such episodes he was dragged into the disturbing dream. Minho felt like someone was calling for him while he was asleep. Someone from the outside. Someone familiar. But Minho couldn’t discern who that was.</p><p>He woke up all sweating and hyperventilating, deciding to take a cold shower to calm down before it was too late to stop a beginning panic attack. He wasn't good at keeping up with those, so he tried to prevent them if possible.</p><p> </p><p>While standing under the cold water, he couldn't help but think of the person who was calling for him in his dream. Dreams were always vague, yet overwhelming to Minho, so they made him feel uneasy. He shook his head in order to shoo the nasty thoughts away and tried to remember what date it was.</p><p>Minho started to get lost in time. He forgot to check the date on his laptop since he didn't have to work and so all his activity was confined to eating, sleeping, staring at the wall, lying on the bed, just…existing. But not living.</p><p>He tended to forget things more often now than before. His therapist could bring up a fact from Minho's past from time to time during their sessions, but Minho would only furrow his brows and get silent trying hard to remember if that really had happened to him. And the worst thing was that now he felt even emptier than before. It felt like something important had been taken away from him, but there was no-one to remind him about the gone days. Minho's parents took away all the photos and notebooks from him more than a year ago, and he was too afraid to ask about the past. He was too scared to even approach his mum and dad when they brought him stuff.</p><p>Once they were going to come again, Minho opened the locks, but forgot to hide upstairs, so he was caught off guard when they suddenly entered the house. He stood up quickly and wanted to run away, but stumbled a few times, falling onto the ground, but then getting up and hiding in the bathroom.</p><p>"Oh, come on!" Minho's dad exclaimed, "Aren't you tired of doing that?"</p><p>"Jisoo!" Minho's mum hissed, warning her husband, "Don't disturb him."</p><p>"For how long are we going to keep up with that, Minah? Don't you think he's just pretending or-" Jisoo hesitated, shaking his head and exhaling.</p><p>Minho could discern enormous tiredness in his father's voice even sitting behind the bathroom door. The boy knew how much trouble he caused and how pathetic his routine was, but he couldn't do anything. He tried many times to change his life, however it seemed impossible.</p><p>"Just...Let's go. We scared him," Minah said cautiously.</p><p>"<em>We</em> scared him?" Jisoo wondered, making it evident that he found the situation nonsensical.</p><p>"Let's go," Minho's mum tried again, and they left in a few moments.</p><p>Minho was sitting on the bathroom floor, hugging his knees. He started to cry, sobbing loudly.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Minho was lying on the bed absent-minded, his gaze wandering around the room slowly. He tried to read a book his mum had brought him, but he couldn't concentrate on it at all.</p><p>The clouds were rolling by, hiding the bright blue sky behind them.</p><p>Everything was grey: the walls, the air, Minho's mood. It was somewhat comforting though, tranquil. Minho's breathing evened and he was already falling into the slumber, when he suddenly remembered something.</p><p>It was a boy from his dreams. Minho had seen him there several more times. The last time he had been next to the sea, stepping into it, inviting Minho to go with him. And when Lee finally reached out to him, the boy disappeared.</p><p>Minho got up, approaching the window. It would take not more than five minutes to reach the sea. Sometimes Minho eagered to come to it, wanted to wet his legs in the cold water, wanted to breathe the salty air in.</p><p>But he couldn't.</p><p>Couldn't.</p><p>Right?</p><p>Minho turned around, staring at the bedroom door. He twitched, exiting the room hurriedly. He ran down the stairs, and now he was standing in front of the door that lead to the street.</p><p>He wanted to be next to the sea <em>right now</em>. Minho started opening all the locks compulsively, finally pulling the door and stepping out of the house.</p><p>He ran.</p><p>Ran down the stairs. Ran across the road, almost getting hit by a car, but still kept going, gazing around anxiously. Ran in the sand, losing all his energy.</p><p>He ran all the way barefoot all along, not caring about anything. Minho just kept moving forward, his eyes taking him somewhere. He ran like his life depended on it.</p><p>Finally, he reached a secluded area, hidden in the rocks, and fell on his knees, breathing heavily. He was lying on the sand, staring at the grey cloudy sky.</p><p>Minho closed his eyes, trying to process what had just happened. He turned around, eyeing his surroundings. It was a place from his dream. That boy was calling for Minho from here. How was that possible?</p><p>He stood up, coming up to the water, letting it wet his feet and the pair of grey sweatpants he was wearing. Minho shivered. A black hoodie wasn't warm enough for late September. Nevertheless, he kept standing in the same place for several moments, looking at the huge rocks surrounding him, noticing something glisten in the water.</p><p>He narrowed his eyes to focus on it and understood it was a blue fish tail. But were fish really that big? Minho moved forward in that direction, he was knee deep in water right now, but couldn't care less. Minho peeked around the high rock, he was holding onto and saw a naked person, gasping as he didn't expect to see someone swim when it was so cold.</p><p>It drew the person's attention, and he turned around, eyeing Minho uninterestedly.</p><p>"Oh...I'm sorry, I-" Minho tried to apologize, but then he tripped on something, falling into the water. Luckily, it wasn't deep, the water level barely reached Minho's shoulders when he was sitting. He looked down to see what made him stumble and screamed, shocked. It was that man, who was the owner of the huge fish-like tail.</p><p>"Are you- Who are you?" Minho asked, bewildered.</p><p>The creature just huffed in reply, slipped from the rock and dove into the water, disappearing.</p><p>"Wait!" Minho turned around, finally standing up, a realization dawning on him.</p><p>He just saw a mermaid? A real mermaid?</p><p>No.</p><p>No, that wasn't possible.</p><p>Such things didn't exist. He was delusional.</p><p>But Minho saw it. Heard it. Did it mean the creature was real?</p><p>A strong flow of the wind reminded Minho that he was soaked in water. He started panicking again. What was he even doing here? Why wasn't he in the house?</p><p>He was running again.</p><p>In several minutes Minho was back home, locking the door up compulsively. He rushed into the kitchen, started to open all the drawers in order to find his pills. When Minho finally got them, he looked around to see where he had put the kettle with water. Then his gaze stumbled upon the notebook Minho’s parents bought him long ago. The therapist claimed it was important to write his thoughts down to get to know his own state better. But Minho never used that notebook. Until now.</p><p>The boy found the pencil, sat down on the floor and started to write.</p><p>It took him several minutes, Minho kept crossing something out and then rewriting the same things he had crossed out before. Everything felt surreal. That was why he firmly decided to come to the beach again tomorrow to make sure he wasn’t going insane.</p><p>Minho was about to write something else, but the window suddenly flew open, scaring Minho, so he fell onto the floor with a loud scream. It was all too much. He only now fully realized he had left the house for the first time after three years of being locked up in it. And he saw that sea creature, but couldn’t believe it was real. Minho covered his head with his hands and cried himself to sleep on the kitchen floor.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em>The beach was foggy. Only the seashore wasn't completely obscured by it. The tides were way to calm. Everything was quiet and sleepy, but then there was a loud splash of water, and the next moment Minho saw a merman. It smiled, calling him by his name. The creature wanted Minho to approach it, so he did. Minho felt relaxed.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And suddenly the merman screamed, its face wincing in pain, the fog disappearing to show the raging sea.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Minho woke up in sweat, jerking into a sitting position. He sighed and rubbed his eyes with his hands. Just a dream. Everything was fine.</p><p>Fine.</p><p>Or he wanted it to be fine.</p><p>Sometimes Minho thought about dying, he really wanted to put an end to his suffering. But it was too selfish. He didn’t want his parents to grieve even more than they already were about their son's turning into a complete failure. Minho knew had caused them enough problems and didn't want to add to that.</p><p>Lee had always done a great job convincing himself he was alright before, so what happened now? He felt drained and exhausted more and more often, even though he wasn’t doing much. Something was killing him on the inside. It was funny how he always thought his life would get better if he went out on the streets, if he got to approach the sea.</p><p><em>The sea</em>. Minho suddenly felt the urge to go to the place where he had seen the merman. He wanted to try talking to it. That way he would be sure he wasn’t going crazy.</p><p>He got up, realizing his back ached as he had been sleeping on the floor, but Minho didn't care about it right now. He put on his shoes this time, but forgot to check the time. The door was opened now, and Minho headed towards the seashore. It was foggy, just like in his dream. He wondered if he was still sleeping. Minho really got troubles with discerning what was real and what wasn’t.</p><p> </p><p>When he got to the same place, he decided to wait, leaning on one of the rocks. He forgot to take the jacket with him again, screw his memory. Minho should have asked his parents to get him some more new pills. If only he could remember to do that.</p><p>The calming sound of the waves lulled Minho to sleep, so he dozed off by the rock. He didn’t get enough sleep because of the nightmare anyway.</p><p>Minho woke up to something caressing his cheek, the touch so faint and gentle, it felt just like the wind. He opened his eyes to see the creature from yesterday stare at him.</p><p>“Y-you’re…you’re real…” Minho stuttered, still not quite believing his eyes.</p><p>“Huh?” The merman tilted his head.</p><p>“You can’t be…” Minho said more to himself, shaking his head in denial.</p><p>“Then who are you talking to?” The creature looked at him quizzically, “Do you see me?” Minho nodded slowly, “Do you hear me?” He nodded again, and then the merman splashed the water with his hand, so it drizzled all over Minho.</p><p>“Hey! Why would you do this?” Minho pouted unconsciously.</p><p>The merman laughed, showing his dimples, “Did you feel it?”</p><p>“Of course, I did. What is-“</p><p>“Then I’m real,” it stated, smiling, “My name’s Chan.”</p><p>“I…Minho,” he said hesitantly after a moment of processing.</p><p>“I didn’t see you here before,” Chan looked Minho in the eyes, but the boy averted his gaze.</p><p>“I don’t go out often…I never really go out,” Minho fiddled with his fingers.</p><p>“Why? It’s so nice outside,” Chan wondered, his eyebrows raised.</p><p>“That’s what my therapist tells me,” Minho mumbled.</p><p>“Who?”</p><p>“Oh, it’s…doesn’t matter,” Minho gestured his hand vaguely.</p><p>“I need to go,” Chan said, ignoring Minho’s ‘already?’ and starting to pull away, “I’ll see you tomorrow?” He asked and swam away, not letting Minho finish.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Minho was walking back home looking at the sky. In his room he was staring at the wall for hours.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The next day Minho found himself fully awake on the beach, Chan swimming up to him.</p><p>“Glad, you came,” the merman smiled at Minho.</p><p>“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Lee asked without greeting Chan and then faltered when the merman laughed.</p><p>“Why would I be?” He asked, chuckling.</p><p>“What if I tell someone about you?” Minho benched down to be closer to Chan and not tower over him.</p><p>“Well,” Chan grinned mysteriously, “<em>Will</em> you tell anyone, though?”</p><p>“No,” Lee answered immediately, stony expression on his face.</p><p>Chan was watching him for a moment, his eyes narrowed, a glint of amusement in them. “Why aren’t you showing any emotions?” He tilted his head.</p><p>“I don’t have a reason to,” Minho frowned. Most of the time he felt numb or empty, sometimes scared, and this whole situation with meeting a merman left him befogged.</p><p>“Am I a good reason?” Chan looked the boy in the eyes, smirking.</p><p>“Wh-what?” Minho stuttered, feeling insanely confused. Did the merman just flirt with him or was Minho really losing his mind?</p><p>Chan laughed again, “Don’t mind me! Do you want to swim with me?” He suddenly changed the topic.</p><p>“I don’t like water.” That was the first thing that came to Minho’s mind. Not the completely unsuitable weather, not the absence of swimming supplies, but the fact he hated being in the water. Minho though about his irrational fear he couldn’t really explain.</p><p>“But you’re sitting in the water right now,” Chan stated, and Minho looked under his feet. Indeed, his pant were soaked wet.</p><p>“Right,” Lee replied, his voice void of any emotions. He couldn’t understand where the fear was this time. He became a mess of emotions, his state becoming unstable and irratic.</p><p>“Is everyone out there like you?” Chan dragged Minho out of his daze.</p><p>“Like me how?”</p><p>“Emotionless, not talkative and weird,” Chan smiled when Minho frowned.</p><p>“I…don’t really know.”</p><p>Chan just sighed. “Okay, I need to go now.”</p><p>“Don’t leave me,” it slipped out of Minho’s mouth, scaring the boy and surprising Chan.</p><p>“Huh? But we’ll see each other again, right?” His tone was hopeful.</p><p>“Yeah…” Minho muttered, and Chan swam away.</p><p> </p><p>Stepping into the house, Minho felt feverish. Constantly wearing thin clothes when it was so cold outside must have affected him negatively. It was hard to breathe and move, Minho didn’t know how he had even managed to return home.</p><p>He tried to find the antipyretic or at least a pack of painkillers, but failed. The drawers were almost empty. No wonder, he hadn’t caught a cold for several years now. It was nearly impossible to catch a cold while spending all the time inside of the house. Unless the illness could be caused by a draft, but Minho didn’t really open windows much either.</p><p>The boy took his notebook to tear out a sheet of paper and scribble a note for his parents to buy him new drugs. When it was done and the sheet of paper was placed on the kitchen table, Minho started literally crawling up the stairs, but then hesitated. The notebook drew his attention once again. Lee approached it on shaky legs, his hands trembling and vision foggy.</p><p>He made some more notes about Chan and only after that finally let himself get into bed.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>For some reason, that fever didn’t go away for quite some time. Minho had spent more than a week in bed. At least that was what he heard from his mum who was talking with his father, thinking Minho was asleep. He hadn’t worked on his computer for ages, and the kitchen clock had stopped working at some point. Minho didn’t bother to change the batteries, not that he possessed any. And to have new ones, he had to write a note for his parents. Sounded like too much work. The only reason Minho asked for medication like this was that he wasn’t in the mood of dying right now.</p><p>He didn’t let his parents approach him for a long time now, but in such position he didn’t really have a choice. Minho just pretended to nap every time his mother stepped into his bedroom to check on him. She would brush her hand over his forehead gently or tuck the blanket in. Such gestures made him want to cry, which he did, but only after he was left alone.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Surprisingly, he forgot about Chan completely at the time he was coping with the illness. Minho didn’t see any dreams about the merman like before, so when Lee suddenly remembered about the creature, all his limbs were shot through with a painful tingling feeling, and he winced falling on the floor with a loud cry. How much time had passed since their last meeting? He honestly didn’t know. But wasn’t going to leave the house so fast. Years of locking himself up strongly influenced Minho, and after staying inside for weeks once again, he couldn’t leave as easily as some time ago.</p><p>That night Minho saw a dream.</p><p>Chan’s face was really close to him, and Minho could sense how disappointed the merman was. He’d been waiting for the boy to come, but Lee just wouldn’t show up.</p><p>
  <em>“Why did you leave me?” Chan asked calmly, but then cried, “WHY? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LEAVE WITHOUT YOU?”</em>
</p><p>Minho woke up in sweat and tears.</p><p>In the middle of the night he jumped off the bed hurriedly and ran down the stairs. Not fully recovered from the fever, he put a warm jacket right on his pajama sweater, not caring about changing the pants. The door was unlocked and Minho was on the street, his pace fast.</p><p>The night was starry, full moon lighting Minho’s way to the sea. It felt like everyone and everything was asleep, and he was the only awake person in the whole world. Minho heard the sea’s whispers more and more distinctly as he was crossing the road, the noise of waves making him feel somewhat uneasy.</p><p>When he finally was in the place where they always met with Chan, Minho suddenly panicked. What if Chan got mad at him and didn’t want to see him anymore?</p><p>“Chan,” Minho whispered, his lips starting to tremble. “Chan, Chan,” he crossed the arms on his chest, grabbing the collar of the jacket, trying to comfort himself, but anxiety had already occupied his body.</p><p>“CHAN!” Minho shouted, hot tears falling from his eyes. “CHAN, WHERE ARE YOU?” Minho sobbed, falling on his knees, “Please…” He whispered, one hand grabbing the jacket’s fabric where the fast beating heart was and another down on the sand.</p><p>Feeling completely drained, he fell on the ground unconscious.</p><p> </p><p>“-is that you?” Someone’s voice pierced through the air, waking Minho up. He opened his eyes, trying to discern what had happened this time. Falling asleep on the beach became a very strange habit of his. “Minho!”</p><p>“Chan?” Minho turned around abruptly, locking eyes with the merman. Chan’s whole frame radiated concern, yet seemed relieved and happy to see Lee.</p><p>“You’re awake,” Chan beamed, tears welling up in the corners of his eyes.</p><p>“Chan!” Minho practically sobbed, urging forward to hug Chan. Lee expected to feel the merman’s warmth, but was met with uncomfortably cold wetness. Chan was a sea creature after all, Minho thought.</p><p>“Be careful! You’ll get wet!”</p><p>“I missed you so much. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Chan,” Lee eventually broke into tears, feeling too overwhelmed. At first he thought he was relieved after seeing the merman, Minho’s stomach was fuzzy, but everything still seemed so wrong to him. He didn’t know what to do with himself and how to feel better. Minho pulled away and stared Chan in the eyes.</p><p>“You only show bad emotions,” Chan frowned worriedly, stroking Minho’s cheek, another boy leaning into the faint touch.</p><p>“There’s nothing bright inside,” Minho whispered in reply.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>The next month passed by frantically.</p><p>Minho was completely lost. He wasn’t able to understand whether he was awake or dreaming. Not anymore. He still met with Chan, though. Both outside of his house and while he was asleep. Minho didn’t know for how many times he had been outside that month. Was it once, twice or even hundreds of times? He didn’t know.</p><p>He didn’t even care at that point, as he sensed Chan’s presence all the time, each and every second. The merman occupied his thoughts, his dreams and his notes.</p><p>Minho was laying down on the kitchen floor once when his parents had appeared unexpectedly. He stopped bothering to lock the door anymore, because he had been leaving too often. Or that was what he thought.</p><p>So, Jisoo and Minah stepped into the hall, scaring Minho to death. He got up as fast as he could, bounding from the kitchen the exact same moment when his dad entered the room. The boy stumbled onto him, almost making his father topple. The contents of the packages he was carrying, however, were now all over the floor. Minho slipped, while trying to escape, but Jisoo grabbed his son on the collar and shouted at his face.</p><p>“I’m so tired of your psychotic behaviour! How come you’re so ungrateful?!” Jisoo’s voice broke a few times from being too loud. He shook Minho, still holding tightly onto his sweater. Minho shut his eyes, his lips trembling and hot tears running down his cheeks. He was terrified at that moment, being ready to die if it could end his torments.</p><p>“Jisoo! What are you doing?! Let him go! <em>NOW!</em>” Minah stood up for her son, pulling Jisoo’s shoulder so he loosened his grip on Minho’s collar. The boy’s father unclenched his fists, Minho falling onto the floor with a hollow thud. He curled up there, not daring open his eyes.</p><p>“Let’s go.”</p><p>“But Jisoo-”</p><p>“I SAID, LET’S GO!”</p><p>When the door finally shut, Minho let himself sob violently, not being able to keep it inside anymore. He needed Chan. <em>Right now.</em></p><p>Feeling immensely weak, Minho still managed to get up. He didn’t remember how he made it to the beach, but Chan was already there. And it was all that mattered.</p><p>“Minho? What happened?” Merman’s gaze darted over Minho’s face. “Is that blood?”</p><p>Minho lifted his shaking hand to his forehead, touching it gently, but hissing in pain afterwards. He took a look at his fingers. It must’ve happened when he fell on the floor. “I don’t care,” he muttered, moving closer to Chan.</p><p>“Minho?”</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“I-” Lee didn’t let Chan finish, pressing his mouth against Chan’s, both of them melting into the kiss immediately. A few seconds passed before Chan pulled away, shrinking back. “We shouldn’t see each other again.”</p><p>“What?” Minho couldn’t believe his ears. “What are you talking about? Chan?” Minho's tone was desperate. “Why are you leaving me? <em>CHAN!</em>” He screamed.</p><p>Minho blinked, and he was on his kitchen’s floor again. He looked around, anxious.</p><p>Was it a dream again? Minho touched his lips, then his forehead, sensing blood. Did Chan really leave Minho? Just like that? After they kissed? How was Minho supposed to do without him? Why was Chan so selfish?</p><p>The boy searched for his notebook, writing something down hurriedly and then closing it with a loud slap. Minho rushed into the hallway, throwing the notebook on the floor and leaving the house determinedly.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I don’t understand what we’re doing here,” Jisoo snorted, holding onto the steering wheel. He had just parked the car next to the house where Minho lived.</p><p>“We’d left him on the floor terrified yesterday. He’s our son, don’t you have at least some sympathy left?” Minah scolded her husband, looking through the car’s window, getting ready to get out.</p><p>“But he-”</p><p>“Oh my god,” Minah suddenly whispered, alarmed.</p><p>“What?” Jisoo frowned.</p><p>“The door is opened.”</p><p>“What?"</p><p>They exchanged glances for mere second, and dashed out of the car, running up the front porch. The door was indeed busted open. Jisoo and Minah held their breaths, stepping into the house carefully. They surveyed the first floor, then searched for the boy on the second. Minho was nowhere to be found.</p><p>“Where the <em>hell</em> is he?” Jisoo tugged on his locks, his heart rate speeding up. Their agoraphobic son wasn’t at home. Nonsense.</p><p>“I’m calling the police.”</p><p> </p><p>“We searched the whole house once again, he’s definitely not here,” investigator with a badge saying 'Kim Seungmin' came up to Minah and Jisoo who were idly sitting by the kitchen table, feeling too shocked to even move.</p><p>“Well, no shit,” Jisoo mumbled.</p><p>“Jisoo!” Minah hissed at him, and then turned to the investigator. “What do we do then?” Her eyes were wet, but a glimpse of hope, flickering there, didn’t let Minho’s mother break into tears just yet.</p><p>“We’re surveying the area right now, too. Also,” Seungmin gave Minah a black notebook, “We found it in the hall. It must belong to your son. The latest note with a date was in the late September. So…seems recent.”</p><p>“Thank you,” Minah replied, smiling faintly, and Seungmin nodded, leaving her and Jisoo on their own again. Minho’s mother opened the notebook, reading her son’s atrocious, chaotic handwriting.</p><p><em><strike>i just saw a mermaid</strike>. Lame <strike>but i did</strike> no i saw it it was <strike>real</strike> a real mermaid i saw its tail it was blue and it glistened am i going crazy? i’m gonna find out i’</em><br/><br/>“What’s that?” Jisoo furrowed his brows, noticing his wife’s puzzled expression.</p><p>“Absurd,” she shook her head.</p><p>Jisoo’s frown deepened. He came up to Minah, looking into the notebook.</p><p>
  <em>his name is chan. <strike>the mermaid</strike>. the merman. he said he’s real, he splashed water onto me, how couldn’t he be real then? <strike>should i tell someone?</strike> no-one’s gonna believe me</em>
  <br/>
  <em>he has dimples and his hair is dark and curly, it felt nice talking to him</em>
  <br/>
  <em><strike>what if we were friends?</strike> stupid minho what are you thinking about? being friends with a merman? <strike>he’s not real</strike></em>
</p><p>“What is he saying?” Jisoo wondered. “Why is he writing about Chan like that?”</p><p>Minah kept shaking her head in disbelief, starting to cry silently. That was too much.</p><p>
  <em>why why why he feels so <span class="u">familiar</span> i feel so bad i’m falling asleep it’s so hot in here. <strike>chan</strike>. why is he talking to me? i actually want to swim with him he asked about it so carelessly how can i? <strike>but why can’t i stop thinking about it</strike> <span class="u">stupid minho</span> i’m going to bed i can’t take it anymore i’m so tired i feel sick i want to crawl out of my skin it’s suffoca</em>
</p><p>"Do you- do you think...it was his vision again? Just like the one after…it all happened. Was he hallucinating?" Jisoo supposed.</p><p>"I don’t know..." Minah kept sniffling, not believing her eyes.</p><p>
  <em>we spend so much time together but i feel empty. we’ve been meeting for several weeks now, sometimes i see him in my dreams. there was that really strange one – he was a human in it and he was little, i was little too, we were swimming together in the sea</em>
</p><p>Minah started crying harder than before, "He thought it was a dream," she sobbed, "But that's just a real memory."</p><p>
  <em>what am i doing i can’t open the door anymore i can’t go out i’m not gonna leave ever again i’m going crazy</em>
</p><p>They wanted to proceed reading, but the investigator, Seungmin, appeared again.</p><p>“You have to go to the station with us. We need you to give your testimony and document it,” he said, and left the kitchen, a bit awkwardly pressing his lips.</p><p>“Keep it,” Jisoo referred to the notebook. “We’ll keep reading it. That’s very strange.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em>Minho always loved summer.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>First of all, the holidays lasted much longer than during the other seasons. Secondly, he could spend each and every day playing with Chan and not having to do homework. Moreover, this summer was special: Minho was almost 9 years old (quite a grownup person), so now his and Chan's parents let them swim in the sea without any supervision on condition that they wouldn't go too far.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Channie! You're like a mermaid!" Minho exclaimed, making his friend laugh so hard he almost choked on the salty water.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"What are you talking about, Ho?" Chan smiled, splashing the water into Minho's face for saying nonsense.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You swim so fast! And you can hold your breath for so long-"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Kids!" Minho's mum appeared on the shore, holding two fluffy blankets in her arms. "It's time to go! Enough swimming for today."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Mu-um! We want to play more," Minho whined, swaying his limbs to stay afloat in the water.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"No, baby. You'll play tomorrow again," she shouted for them to hear, and boys had nothing to do but swim up to the shore and get out of the water.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Can Channie stay the night then?" Minho asked with pleading puppy eyes, while wrapping himself in the towel.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Sure," Minho's mum smiled at them.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"YAY!"</em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em>Minho always loved summer.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Last July Chan asked him out, and they kissed for the first time. Minho felt like the happiest human on the whole planet back then. Since those times they got a habit to sneak out of the house to get some privacy while their families gathered to have supper together and discuss recent news. As boys grew older they got less and less interested in spending time inside the apartment, so this time they left without notifying anyone just like they always did.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The night was beautiful and starry that day, but the sea was very far from calm, its waves raging like crazy. Minho breathed the salty air in once they got to the beach, satisfied smile stretching his lips.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Hey, I’ve got a good idea,” Chan smiled lopsidedly at the younger. Minho narrowed his eyes.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You're drunk as hell, hyung,” Lee replied, making Chan giggle cutely.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Anyways,” Bang continued, “Let’s go swim.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Are you crazy? There was a storm warning,” Minho gestured vaguely, pointing at the sea. The tides were quite high. Lee was scared to even approach the water. Yet Chan suggested swimming. He loved being in the water way too much.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“C’mo-on,” Chan still tried to convince Minho. “Are you afraid?” The older had to bend down slightly to look Minho in the eyes as his head was lowered.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Um, yes, I am,” Minho frowned. “Don’t do that.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chan pecked his boyfriend on the lips, “Don’t worry. You said I’m like a mermaid, so it’s gonna be fine.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Chan, seriously, don’t. It’s dangerous. We can swim tomorrow,” Minho’s heart started racing.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I’m goi-ing,” Bang teased Lee, stepping into the water.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Chan, that’s not funny!” Minho had to shout this time as Chan swam quite far away from the shore. Lee hugged himself, trying to calm down. His boyfriend was a good swimmer after all.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Suddenly a huge wave went over unsuspecting Chan, obscuring his figure in the water, so Minho couldn’t see him anymore. He started to panic.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Chan?” Minho tried to call for him. The moon was the only source of light, making it very hard to see anything, and the sound of waves muffled Lee’s voice as he kept shouting. “Chan, that’s not funny at all! If you think I’m gonna go into the water, you mistaken!” There was no reply even in a few more seconds.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“CHAN!”</em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em>Minho hated summer.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It always reminded him of Chan, and Lee would rather forget, would rather erase his memory not to get the oppressive feeling of neverending doom everytime he heard the waves crash in the huge rocks outside. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Two years had passed and he still got nightmares almost every day. Minho shouted so loud, his parents started to get scared of him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>They took all his belongings away including photos, notebooks, gifts and some other stuff. They stopped seeing the Bangs completely. And it helped. Minho practically started to forget, but sometimes he would just-</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"CHAN! CHAN, WHERE ARE YOU?" Minho screamed in the nigh, piercing the silence, his eyes still closed as he was sleeping before.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Sh-sh, it's okay, it's okay," Minah appeared in Minho's room quickly, trying to calm her agitated son down. "I'm here, with you."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Chan," he mumbled, still not fully awake, tears rolling down his cheeks, "Channie..."</em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>"It is said here that he suffered from several mental disorders," Seungmin started after Minah and Jisoo signed all the papers.</p><p>"Suffers," Jisoo corrected the officer, glum obvious in his tone and expression.</p><p>"Yes," Seungmin faltered, "Sorry." He cleared his throat and carried on, "You state he hasn't left the house in a few years. What caused it?"</p><p>"Do you think you can just brutally ask all that?" Jisoo got worked up. He didn't see the point in all those stupid questions.</p><p>"We need it," Seungmin made a pause, trying to stay reserved, "For the investigation. If you told me what caused his trauma it could help us think of a place where to look for him."</p><p>"I'm sorry, Seungmin-ssi," Minah apologized for her husband. "He's just...very worried."</p><p>"I understand, it's okay," he tried to reassure her by smiling slightly. "But could you...please...share?"</p><p>"Yeah..." Minah started, glancing at her husband from the corner of her eye. "Minho had a friend. They were best friends actually," she sighed as remembering all this was difficult. "And they had...a very strong connection, so when Chan- when he-" Minah choked on her tears, not being able to go on. Seungmin offered her tissues, which she gladly accepted.</p><p>"Chan drowned when Minho was 16. It happened right in front of the house where Minho now lives. That beach," Jisoo continued.</p><p>"Sorry for making you bring this all up-"</p><p>"You better find my son soon as possible, officer Kim," Jisoo gave Seungmin a pointed look.</p><p>"We're gonna do our best-"</p><p>"Kim!" A young man in the same uniform as Seungmin's rushed into Kim's office, ignoring the presense of Minah and Jisoo. </p><p>"Yeah?" Seungmin frowned.</p><p>"We found a body in the sea. Right next to the Lee's house. A young boy, approximately 19 years old. We need you to identify the corpse."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>i will definitely find chan. he can't leave me.</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i know, i know, sorry....<br/>i'm mad at myself for writing something like this, too, but this draft has been torturing me since july, so i'm happy to finally let it go<br/>(i have even more angsty one waiting to be uploaded aha...)</p><p>please!!! leave a comment to let me know what you think<br/>that's my first time writing something so angsty, so i want to know if you liked my fic or not</p><p>iiiif you wanna tell me that i'm a bad person for writing this then here's my twt @ksinkinsink you can text me anytime</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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